Fathers Day

My dad is the best.

Shopping for him is the worst.

And those fathers day gift guides? Pshhhht. Useless. According to them, all dads love one or more of the following things:

  • Grilling
  • Drinking
  • Ties
  • Golf
  • Technology
  • Books

These are all non-starters.

Grilling

Nope. When my dad lights a fire you can see it from space. We learned a long time ago not to ask him to grill anything. Not if we were hoping to eat later. Next.

Drinking

My dad is a straight Coca Cola guy. And like any self-respecting dude of a certain age, he’s not going to drink it out of a fancy glass, either. So you can keep your bar glasses & jiggers & ice shavers & what have you. A plastic tumbler full of plain ol’ ice we hacked out of the lump in the wonky freezer will do just fine. Next.

Ties

My dad wears ties for anything that happens in a church — weddings, funerals, baptisms, etc. — but the rest of his life is a tie-free zone. At this point, he has probably 50 more ties than are in the church rotation, so a new tie is a new nope. Next.

Golf

Now golf used to be a reliable hit. Dad & Mom love them some golf. But there are only so many gadgets and outfits a single golfer can use, & we maxed that category out years ago. Next.

Technology

Oh dear god, no. First, my parents live so far from civilization that their internet speed is measured not per second but per hour & sometimes per day. Also, the instant you touch the tech at my parents’ house, you have officially signed up to be tech support for that item for the rest of its (or your) natural life. Besides, my dad doesn’t even type, let alone consume the internet. When he & Mom want to watch a movie, they go the the theatre like actual adults. Plus it’s air conditioned there & you can get a massive Coke. Next.

Books

My dad is an action-oriented dude. Books are not his jam. Neither are magazines, websites, or any other vehicle for the written word. (I am, as you might’ve guessed, as mysterious to him as he is to me. We make it work.) Next.

So what does my dad like?

Well, he likes my mom.

He likes his kids & the grandkids we made.

He likes taking brief naps at the dinner table while the rest of us are still talking, then denying any such thing ever happened. (“I was resting my eyes.”)

He likes to eat a slow breakfast while deer & wild turkeys stroll past the dining room windows.

He likes lighting huge fires in the driveway & burning papers the county really wishes he would just shred.

He likes living in the same house deep in the country where he raised his four kids.

It’s possible my dad already has everything he wants, you guys. Which means I was totally right when I said shopping for him is the worst.

But I’m also hoping my kids will say the same about me for the same reasons one day. May we all be so lucky.